theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
