if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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