I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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