i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
