Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
