The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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