piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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