Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
