i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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