mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize