At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
