you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
