God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
