happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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