Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
