I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize