I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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