His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
