so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
