She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
