batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
