I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
