If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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