she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
