Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
