thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
