I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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