the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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