he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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