Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
