If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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