I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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