ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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