my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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