Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Small penises have feelings too.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
