I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
