i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
