ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize