Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
