K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
