He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Did I show you my penis last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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