It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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