i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize