I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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