Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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