Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
