my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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