I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
