He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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