fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
