She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
