That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
