I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Randomize