just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
