so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
