and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
