Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
