you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We talked him into tasing himself.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
