you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
