My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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