Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
