She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
