Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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