I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
