My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
