Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
